The test was negative. It was negative.
I feel like i lost something even though nothing was ever there in the first place. there is an aching in my heart that never went away - it’s been throbbing since yesterday morning from the bathroom floor where i sat and stared at the results. I try to sleep but it feels like i can’t breathe. I try to eat but i don’t taste a thing. What’s wrong with me? I knew it was something i wanted but i didn’t think it would hurt this much. Your silence only makes it worse.
All i want to do is cry in your arms and refocus my energies into something else more productive, but you won’t let me. Only silence on your part.
I miss you. I can’t help thinking about the days when we first began dating. Such excitement on both our parts. Nights spent talking in the biting cold up in the mountains, fogging up my windows; mornings spent sleeping, afternoons of you surprising me by coming over. Nowadays, it’s all just fighting. my attentions and feelings never waned, although yours has. What changed? Seems as if the honeymoon phase lasted just as long as a honeymoon itself for you. Meanwhile, i feel for you the same things i felt since the first day we began talking.
I’m sitting at our cafe drinking your drink instead of mine. My eyes are burning, but i can’t do anything about it. I thought i was all cried out from last night and yesterday morning but i guess its not so. I’m drinking in all the memories of you and i can’t help but cry in public. Where else can i go? None of all three of my homes are acceptable - one’s too far away to reach before the torrent begins, another is filled with loved ones who would not like to see me hurt, and the other is restricted to me for the time being.
There’s nowhere to go but down from here. And nothing to do but wait.
I thought i had someone to take care of, to keep warm, to feed, to care for. Today i received news that it wasn’t so. What did i expect? It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
But still, i find myself spinning, spinning, spinning - losing control. I’m grasping at the controls but it seems like it’s no use. I want to be stable - this i’m sure of but it’s so easy to let go. I’m spinning and i’m speechless. I wake up every morning breathless from my dreams where I’m screaming but nothing’s coming out. i’m clawing at my eyes and i’m screaming but my voice is nowhere to be found. i’m as useless as a puppet. I’m as quiet as the wind.
I thought i could give you something - something we could both love. I was so sure of it, but it’s plain that it’s not to be so. I drove over a hundred miles today looking for comfort but there was none. Only anger and disappointment. As if i hadn’t had my fill of disappointment in myself today from this morning’s test already. I have failed in one of the most basic, essential processes of life. I am the epitome of disappointment tonight.
Speeding through the streets, driving so fast i beat my navigation by ten minutes. Driving through the sprinkle and the rain on the freeway. To be anywhere else. To be as far away from my lingering thoughts as i could. To be as fast as my racing thoughts. to be a ghost in the depths. To whisper across the streets as if i were never there.
Only it didn’t work. It only brought me to your doorstep. I slowly locked the door and walked down the stairs to my car. Sat in my car and stared out of my window, willing for something to happen, something - anything. Any kind of movement towards me, asking me to stay. Nothing.
There’s only suffocating silence and an emptiness, both in my heart and in my body. If you feel like breaking, imagine how i feel. I’m already broken. I am a million pieces torn apart and scattered into the wind. The wind never keeps blowing. It spreads the pieces farther and farther apart each day, each storm.
I wanted to give you happiness that was easier and simple but there was only a horizontal line instead of a plus today. A small, dark blue line. Extremely dark, as if there were no doubt of it. I’m feeling sorry for myself tonight - simply a continuation of what i’ve been feeling all day since the morning.
I’m driving and i’m driving but is there ever any relief? Is there ever an end point or a destination? I thought the destination was in your arms tonight. And it was, for the few seconds that i was in them. But then i was turned away into the dark night, searching again. I’m always searching and never finding. Always wanting and never completely having.
What is the endpoint?
Is it just